I'm so glad I went to church today. First of all, for once, S6+1 made it as the full clique. Second, I finally got to have a good long talk with Aik. Sometimes, I feel that Aik is like the mirror to my soul. I guess, I'm finally finding a little bit of joy in my life.

I don't know why, but I'm stuttering while writing this post. It's like, you want to say something, but you're holding back because you don't know how people are going to respond to it. Sometimes, I really want to say, " SCREW WHAT YOU THINK." But to be that perfect daughter, sister, friend and student, I hold back. I know, what's the big deal about that right, many other people do that too. I don't know, maybe I just feel tired to keep up that facade anymore.

I really don't deny what Aik said, but why am I trying to come up with excuses for myself. I want to accept, yet I can't open myself up to do so. What has become of me, I really want to know what happened. I know I cannot do this, but I blamed GOD. I want to ask for his forgiveness, but I can't even bring myself to do it now. I know what grace meant, how people are just self centered and this particular group of people are just like that. She has her problems, and I cannot bother her with my problems all the time. She's breaking away from Singapore and so will I. The grass is always greener on the other side, maybe in time to come, I'll say things like I miss Singapore and there's no place like it on Earth. But for now, I just want to leave this place for like a year or two and experience life on that greener grass patch.

I am a perfectionist and yes, I am a self-defeatist. The worst combination you can ever put together and the most depressing person you'll ever find. I just sugar coat my life flawlessly to be spotted.

Whatever Aik told me, really makes a person think. Why do people want to be famous? What so good about you that you have to be talked about all the time? You are just 1 in 6 billion people, what makes you so special that we have to lick the floor you strut on. And what's so good about putting people down if you're smart? If I take away all your academics, you have nothing left. I agree and I guess, I'm no longer that person who does that anymore. I cannot, it's horrible and I don't want to become such a person. I'm living a lie, a lie so deep that I can't even save myself out of it.

I have to grow up and grow out of it. I'm really sorry for slandering Brother Kim Tee, I really meant no harm. I was just so foolish. I am really thankful for all the church elders because they probably care more about us than most of our friends do. I'm a guarded person, but sooner or later, it has to be let go off. After everything in life I've experienced, I've grown, but just not enough. I'll grow up, in my thoughts and actions. I'm not young anymore, I'm turning 18 in just a lil more than 2 months. I have to put all my effort into studying now cause I'll be working once I graduate.

I should just remember the good and let go of the bad. I have to thank the Lord that I can wake up to a brand new morning, get up from a bed, be able to walk to my bathroom and be able to freshen up with clean water. I have to be thankful that I have a complete family and a great brother who, I must add, loves to bully me. I guess, it's loving in it's own way. It's time I look at the good and thank the Lord for making me stronger with the bad. Everything happens for a reason and I don't know what took me so long to accept that.

Life's a vicious cycle and it should just make you a stronger person than you were before.